We just picked up about 540 lbs of women....
I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
Its official vodka lemonade jager and whiskey with coorslight is a bad combination of try to forget the work week cocktail ps bring alkaseltzer
i feel like my tongue has its own mouth, and that mouth just bit its tongue and is clenching its teeth.
If you ever wanna get tagged teamed, army guys are pretty open to it. Write that down for future reference.
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
Teach me the ways of your demonic sorcery.
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
I didn’t eat all day. Got really drunk at a bruins game and puked in a random dunkies cup on the T
If that doesn’t scream I’m from New England, I don’t know what does
Randomize
