Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
spring break forecast: sunny with a chance of shitshow
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
We should have cut you off when you asked the can driver if you could ride in the trunk.
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
I know. It's cray. Crayon. Crayolaaaaa.
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
We smoked a blunt in a stall where a drag queen was fucking a bartender in the ass. So theres gonna be a second date :)
The last thing I remember is talking to the firefighter next to me and he was giving me fruit.
Is this making any sense, because I’m puking and trying to be Philosophical right now
Randomize
