i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
You were so drunk that you were trying to take pictures of a MILF at the park so you could send them to Adam, but you didn't want to "seem creepy," so you used taking pictures of her son as a cover. Needless to say, cops were called.
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
I'm pretty sure that our Lady and The Tramp Red Vine moment was the farthest I got last night
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
You -do- realize there are other things to talk about than just how different parts of you smell like pussy, right?
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
The cops high fived after they tackled you
Well we can add this to the list of 'where the hell did that bruise come from?'
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
RUDE you're the one missing half a nipple...
IT HEALED AND GREW BACK TO BE A FULL HEALTHY NIPPLE OKAY
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
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