Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
Either I'm losing my touch or ED is running rampant in 20 something men now
I was informed last night that im not allowed to pick up the bouncers and carry them around anymore. Last sat is starting to make more sense
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
we cut her off and put her in bed but by the time we got back to the drinks she was already there shirtless. she's the topless tequila ninja
It's official, I need to start putting my vagina's needs before my own.
Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?
Omg. The news was on TV while I was giving him a bj...when the weatherman said its a beautiful start to December, he groaned and said it sure is.
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
He took off all my clothes, fingered me, than said "would you be more comfortable if I was naked too?"
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
Randomize
