I bought the tickets, he brought the weed. thanks to you, we had to roll a joint out of my bible paper.
When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
frankly if you're gonna get kicked out of your place, hooking up with your gay roommate's boyfriend would be the most entertaining way to do it.
He hid IN a snowbank for 2 hours waiting for me to come home. This game has to stop before someone dies.
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
Sorry my hands just texted you
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
Before he comes over remember the house standards. Ask yourself "will he stalk my sister or myself in the future?". If the answer is yes, then no, he isn't allowed.
I feel like shit, and I can't get the band aids off my nipples.
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
I have never been that aroused while laughing my ass off in my life
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
Randomize
