oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
I gave her the chance to be interesting and she failed. So then I gave her a chance to be slutty and she failed at that too.
i would rim the shit out of meg ryan
You stole her cigarette screaming that you were going to stop the air cancer from getting everyone.
at least i was looking out for everybody
the jolly green giant just puched the pope. halloween is the best.
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
You have no concept of how high I am, do you?
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
I would fuck him just for his dog
I started keeping track of my period when I realized you had a better grasp of it than me.
we are the best best friends ever. You had sex in an ice cream truck I had sex in a fire truck
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