I'm going to come in a little later this morning....there's no heterosexual way to say this....$1 flip flop sale at old navy
I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
I lost the back to your old name tag last night in a girls shirt. It got me a view of some titties though, I guess in some way you're still doing your brotherly deeds
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
how do you make "fuck me in the break room" sound casual?
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
Dude you where on that lil kids bike at 2 am ridin down the turning lane wearing only socks and a helmet singing born to be wild, no you weren't that fucked up
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
Stop inviting Kevin over. The dickless wonder started playing some strange Sci-FY music and speaking an alien language and the girls split.
Randomize
