There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
you know what its like when everyone is chanting "do it, do it"...still friends?
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
I got to see some gay bartender let a girl with daddy issues whip Travis in the balls with his own belt. Totally worth it.
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
Now I'm ashamed that I wore a bra
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
Humming the Indiana Jones theme song as my hand makes its way to his dick.
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
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