is it bad that the economy has gotten so bad that finding cheap gas gives me the same excitement and joy as finding a hot, blonde haired, blue eyed, tall, athletic single straight guy?
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
I am totally the chick from Intervention who barfs up wine and then re-eats it.
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
so apparently dipping a tampon in red gatorade and throwing it out the window on the highway is a $100 fine
Turns out getting tied up to two door handles and forced to repeatedly cum is actually a really good ab workout.
We lost Kevin again. Probably kidnapped by fattie 2 or butter-face 2 from last night. We need names and any information you can give us. Last scene with his shoe laces converted into a belt.
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
I don't know what possessed you to do that, but you have to give the stripper more money before you try to check her oil or they are going to throw us out every time you do that.
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
I like how I just yelled in the window at Mcdonalds drive thru, got his number and then fucked. it was like I ordered a happy meal that only can be had after midnight.
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
Why were u walkin around mc with a toilet bowl lid handcuffed to u and carrying a stuffed Teddy bear last night?
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
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