I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
im dirt poor will suck dick for halloween costume
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
He ordered a meatball sub with a side of meatballs.
we got stoned then he started showing me how to make his penis look like a hamburger...if that's not true love idk what love is
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
This lady is talking to me and all I can think about is getting face fucked and doing cocaine. Not neccesarily together and not neccesarily in that order
Randomize
