Seriously, it was like sucking my thumb.. and im not even saying that to be spiteful b/c he is a really nice guy.
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
It would be like bopping for an apple with my penis but never winning an actual prize. The only thing I would get from it would be the joy from taking part but then regretting it forever more
I stole a fireplace last night.
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
the last time I drank tequila I ended up riding your skateboard nude down the street... so yeah, I'll have a few shots.
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
why is "bang the student affairs grad assistant" the third highest thing on your semester goals list
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
It's a good thing you're straight. You'd make a horrible lesbian.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
I just don't know how to say "I want to have sex you with before you graduate" in a classy way
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