If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
I just got a drinking merit badge from a slutty girl scout
She sang Bad Romance to me. Not really the answer I was looking for.
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
If for no other reason than to cuddle with that puppy, you have to hook up with him again.
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
You could totally spank that new found Catholicism out of him.
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
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