Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
after we had sex last night he told me he smelled like my vagina. and then he said that if his roommate had a vagina he would probably smell like it. because "they hug weird and shit."
Quick question... Can I call you daddy? Or would that just really made the whole 8 year age gap a bigger deal...?
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
French people screaming and throwing stuff out the window. We told the manager and he's pissed and going up there. This is gonna be like cops. Maybe better than cops.
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
I would convert to being a Republican and Mormon just to sleep with Romney's sons. The things I would to do them.
The worst thing about him living around the corner is that who ever suggests the booty call is the one that walks over.
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
She fucked the dishwasher AND the manager.
Well, she isn't a classist. You've got to give her that.
I possibly am a tad bit not really but maybe slightly intoxicated.
Randomize
