id tell you what to do, but my morals dont exactly scream, "Listen to this guy!"
When I asked if she spit or swallow she replied "I never learned how to spit"
so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
at least after i hook up with someone i have the decency to ignore them
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
I just won't go as hard tonight. Four dollar ladies night drink or drown is not a good idea for me. I like to get my money's worth.
At what point did you think the cops were actually coming to hang out with us
You cant hold me accountable for my actions when im high.
I just had a vision of confetti exploding out of someone's vagina to the sound of air horns... I think that would be welcoming.
I like the way you think.
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
I have a fannypack full of condoms and acid. Let's get weird.
Well she described you as a "Sex-Viking", which seemed to be only slightly related to the red beard. So things are looking good!
I'm so hungover I just peed on my hand and left it, didn't wash... Killin it in 2915
6 more days and it'll be a year since i slept with him and never went home
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
Randomize
