Just saw truck nuts on a handicap conversion van
I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
Black out sex on the trampoline? yes please.
im sitting in my room wearing my power rangers shirt watching a movie about a magical dragon. Ive totally forgotten what having a sex life is like.
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
Our new goal for this summer is to fuck so hard we lose his security deposit.
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
Just waxed 95% of the hair off my vag. If he doesn't enjoy this tonight, you will, whether you like it or not.
Randomize
