my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
since when did accompanying a guy to a wedding mean that anal was required that night?
This threesome is so guaranteed that dinner feels like a charade
there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
Also, yes, I look pretty rough. But my ovaries fought back this morning so getting dressed decently was not a priority.
Beer, water, beer, water, beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer so much beer
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
anyone can pick a bar fight and pick up a waitress at a bar, not everyone hangout with two wolves. TWO WOLVES.
The contents of my fridge consist of alcohol, Nuva ring, and cheesecake. I'm that girl.
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
i guess she just walked over ass naked and peed on his laptop. gonna call an over price on that drunk sex.
I don't think I can get drunk, high or horny enough to even consider that
Randomize
