if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
sticking your finger down your throat to make yourself throw up is bulimia, not morning sickness, so no, I don't think you're pregnant.
just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
You'll be happy to know that I did indeed fracture my rib in a sex related injury
i have now been nicknamed the screamer on the first, third, fourth, & six floor by all the ra's. only two more floors to go before i cover the entire dorm.
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
I woke up and he was just feeling up my stomach. I felt like buddha and he was rubbing my belly for good luck. never again.
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
i meant to type that i went to that party for shits and giggles, but my phone corrected me and said for shots and goggles...either one works
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
I'm going to have to go for it. It's like Mt. Everest. It's large and unpredictable but I live for adventure and it's worth never coming back from. Mt. BigDick.
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
Where are all your bongs? Your Dad wants to make sure they're put away before his family gets here.
Umm....in my room, on my closet, under the bed and behind my laptop.
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
Randomize
