We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
do girls know yet that the best boners are in the morning?
we just ha sex. he lasted two minutes. i told him to leave because i had class
isnt today saturday?
going to the gym drunk. fuck whoever made basketball season and getting a spring break ready body in the same season.
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
You are right. The scrape marks on her ass are from her breaking the doggy door by crawling through it.
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
These last 48 hours have just been about deleting my most recent snap story
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
You're only young once, and once you get old, you either regret all the sex you had, or you regret not having enough.
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
Randomize
