She said she couldnt do it today but shed make it up to me next week
stick it in her butt and if she asks, say that thats what you thought she meant
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
Is it sad that I find it completely normal that I just took batteries out of a vibrator to put them in a pencil sharpener so I could do homework?
I find this completely acceptable.
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
just fucked two guys in less than 12 hours. i miss this part of being single.
and by single i mean slutty
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
The last thing I remembered was laying in the bathtub fully clothed with the shower running while he was picking grilled cheese out of my hair. I couldn't figure out if i was more upset about being soaking wet or the fact that my grilled cheese was in my hair instead of my mouth.
He recognized me by my ass from about 15 yards away. I must have a REALLY nice ass.
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
he said to "slap him" after he guessed the time correctly. i did.
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
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