she gave me a disgusted look and asked how i could live with myself. because i havent seen the rocky horror picture show. and then dumped me.
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
No one parties like Jon. He once stole a cops hat, ran like the wind, partied all night with it, and dropped it off at the station the next day with a box of donuts as an appology.
I can never go back to Jacksonville. We think I may have punched a child in the face while on acid...
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
He's hitting it raw. Might as well stick his dick in a vat of SARS at this point.
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
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