i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
Marriage: a sacred union between one man and one woman, and another woman in Argentina.
I should be sponsored by Trojan
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
Yeah I think we tried to use the shower curtain as a parachute because its tied to my backpack with some string. Dont know if anyone actually attempted it though.
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
Hippo gnu deer
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
next photo in the 'cherished memories' series- Jess's bed. Note the vomit actually UNDER the pillows. shes a genius.
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
I'm not saying I'm planning to hook up tomorrow but I'm also not saying I'm unprepared for it
may or may not have snorted a line of tums... wtf.
Randomize
