My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
Helping a hot freshman girl move in = 2 hours of my life One bottle of cheap vodkas = $10 Watching her do the walk a shame on her first morning away from home = Priceless
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
it's kind of slutty but what the hell, so are we
I'd just like to give a shout out to jesus and plan b for making this day possible.
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
I vaguely remember taking a yard light, holding it up like the statue of liberty, and all of us at the party chanting the national anthem. What a glorious night
Still at home. Videotaping hamsters.
I wish the guy I was sleeping with wasn't on house arrest.
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
Put a Santa hat on my junk. He's wants to be festive too.
My sinuses still burn from snorting red wine last night.
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
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