Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
he burped in my vagina and tried to deny it...
He was eating her out on the elevator. What a good man.
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
Me, him and the recently stolen carpet walked down the road and into the strip club. We had to check the carpet with our coats, it didn't mind missing out too much, later the door guy at Subway held carpet during late night sandwich selection.
The last thing I remember is goading each other into a vodka-chugging competition.
never planned on seeing last weekend's one night stand again, much less be on the same plane as him..
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
He just told me I was beautiful, whilst I peed into a cup. If this isn't love I don't know what is.
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
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