sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
Did everyone make it back alive?
You say that with such hope.
Is that a no?
I was passed out in a dog food bowl tor two hours. Just tapped my dinner beer. I love homecoming.
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
Nope. Turns put my desperate group message for sex didn't work out.
Well you sent it to two guys who were roommates.
They could have rock paper scissored for it. My vagina = the prize.
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
She'll feel so accomplished if she finally gets to bang me.
I was going to try being motivated today. But then I took a hit while still in bed.
I don't remember anything but bad decisions last night
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
sometimes u just gotta ride a dildo and forget about life
Randomize
