I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
When you get home we need to compare our schedules and set up masturbation slots. I'm scares of you walking in on me. Again.
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
I judge a person on how well they respect their vaginas... I can tell by the lack of respect she has for hers I dislike her.
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
This inappropriate post strip club text brought to you by Cheetah of Palm Beach and vodka. Blowjob in the champagne room and the clap for the low low price of your paycheck.
I'm confident that their children would come out as 100% authentic rats
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
Let's just wait to see what happens before we start making radical plans and starting fires
Pray for me.. I'm like the lonely vagina in a sea of sworming dicks
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
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