You know you're true friends when you can talk about what sexual diseases you may or may not have.
tonight lets celebrate not being married
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
I still have a scar from the last time she gave me a handjob. There is NO WAY i'll stick my dick anywhere near her again
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
I was too drunk to remember throwing up so i probably didn't learn my lesson
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
He’s over 6 feet has amazing posture and went to Harvard and has an awesome job and a great dick and loves Jesus and is an organ donor
Is this the guy you have listed as free food in your phone
Noooo he’s listed as free food #5
I HATE BEING THIS HIGH FML IT'S LIKE I'M MAKING UP FOR ALL THE 4:20S I DIDNT DO ALL AT ONCE
Randomize