Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
i love insurance, just had an iv with 4 bags of fluid, 2 shots of finagrin and a 2 hour nap . woke up without a hangover. all for $20
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
He is currently passed out on his toilet. Point day drinking.
I can't base my relationships off of good dick and dogs.
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
My GF, FWB and Side piece are all booty calling me. I’m a victim of my sexual success
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
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