Oh yes. The girl who wanted me to watch her pee.
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
You picked a jagger girl up claimed her then walked out the door with her that was the last we saw of you
new costume idea. paint swatches and a ball gag... I'll be 50 shades of grey.
I woke up at 4 am. Literally pissed. No idea what happened. I could have fucked a cow.
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
He stopped in the middle of us banging in order to check in for his Southwest flight.
I'm not dropping acid and watching game of thrones with you. That just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
We didn't get home until 4 am. Her mom let us in, confessed that she had sex with someone she worked with and said he had a small penis. I love this family.
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
you yelled, puked and cried then passed out in the fetal position in your underwear
Randomize
