He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
searching my car for your cum before I have to give my grandma a ride to the airport. Thanks for this
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
Those people having sex on the beach kept looking over at you guys throwing his shoes at the seagulls.
I'm just gonna plan on never getting a bf. everything I touch turns to gay
So your best guy friend eats your pussy once and a while, no big deal. It's like going to jiffy lube once and a while to let the professionals do it. Your husband should understand .
Just found a pack of birth control on the corner of Oakland and Thomas, so if your desperate its up for grabs.
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
We can't do acid Disneyworld.
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
At least they took the pillow of my bed before they had sex. My friends are so polite.
Randomize