saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
Every time I hit my bowl my neighbors set off fireworks... I stop, they stop. I start again, they start again. Too high for this.
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
I was told my cock was a religious experience.
Do you know anyone with a stuffed cougar? I want one for a self portrait to hang in my house. A bobcat or lynx might work too.
you're right. i am beautiful. like a May day. frolicking in a meadow of wildflowers. platinum in one hand. pipe in the other. that kind of beautiful.
i forgot to brush my teeth before I went over so i went to the bathroom and started eating his toothpaste. we're still in the early stages of fuckdom
you start one little fire by the lake and the police want to talk to you all night...
The inflatable penis from those pics was mine... We broke him that night
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
Man I sound like a slutty Mormon
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
Dude. $3 Jack n Cokes AND Cheesesticks... Find me tomorrow plz
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