By the end of the second bowl I was making sound effects to every hand movement he made.
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
I need to get the stench of sex and broken dreams out of my room
theres a difference between trying to make someone happy and letting them fuck you in the ass
We went into lab today and when no one was looking i touched our cadaver's penis!
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
he came in the shower with me...i thought it was going to be nice and romantic...until he started peeing on my leg.
Just because you graduated a semester early, doesn't mean you can take a semester off of drinking. Sorry.
Important update! My next door neighbours have a canoe. Repeat: THEY HAVE A CANOE! We are having sex in it before this summer is over.
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
My lack of taco bell is hindering me from seeing the good part of that situation
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