We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
Since when is my name a synonym for head?
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
You stole a fry from a complete stranger. He wasn't happy. Then you said fuck it and stole the whole poutine and ran down the street while he stared in shock.
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
Can you send me the picture you took of me smoking a joint with the cat make-up on?
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
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