The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
A kid wearing a Batman belt buckle in my psych class just asked how people get pee fetishes. I'm too high for this.
First night in the new apartment. There are 12 people here i don't know, Tequila, and a crying girl locked in our bathroom. I think the apartment christening is complete.
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
so i guess now we know you can get away with peeing mere feet from the Capitol if you shout IM PREGNANT at the guards
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
My walk of shame this morning would have been much less obvious if it hadn't been 6:30 in the morning and I wasn't walking through downtown Nashville in a Steeler jersey.
Yea no bueno and I only brought enough weed to last one night. And it was no Hanukah nug, it didn't last 8 days.
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
I just sneezed glitter I JUST SNEEZED G LITTER I j u st SneeZED GLIT TER I DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR THIS AT ALL.
You got this. You survived the RA last semester (granted you almost got arrested but still.)
I just do things that aren't classy the classy way.
i just wanted have a romantic star gaze moment with him. untill he let out a massive fart.
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