apparently the secret to your success is patron
People were stuck in the elevator screaming and freaking out. I banged on the door and yelled, "fire depart!" They got excited and then I ran away. lolz
You have more facebook pictures than most towns have people.
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
dude she was givin me head and stops and looks up at me and tells me she loves me, then goes ''alright now cum in my mouth''.... pretty sure shes the one
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
Go forth Daniel, drink, be merry... And meet some hot Asians for your friends to bang
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS
How hot? Like... how many hemsworths?
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
What? I'll do just about anything if you give me a sticker.
Randomize
