How many times do you have to sleep with a guy before you get him to kiss you???
I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
She told me that she faked her orgasm. Does she think I care??
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
What kind of person begs for a BJ from someone who just got their wisdom teeth out?
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
Is it possible to have pulled a muscle in my neck from passing out with my head in a bucket?
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
just almost had a panic attack because i couldn't find the granola bar i put in my purse. i miss klonopin.
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
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