it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
every single kid we've ever known, every single person we've gotten blow jobs from, every single person we've hit home runs with... is at dennys right now
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
The van in front of me contains people having SEX. I am in full view of a SEX VAN.
listen. he fixes things. buys me drinks and sticks his penis in my vagina. age means nothing at this low point in my life.
I witness him finger a girl behind the dj decks yet I'm still going to meet up with him. Wtf is my life
So high, just applauded for a magic trick on Hulu.
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
last night I used snow as a chaser
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
i just really want to fuck a guy wearing lederhosen
it'll be sexier than it sounds, i promise
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