how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
I was really sad when you left and cried. And i don't know what a face promise is, but apparently i made you make one.
I was the last girl at the bar last night. It was like a battle royale between 10 guys.
Drink for every country you've never heard of.
Fuuuuuuuuuck
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
No but I was fuckin done when I realized my acrylic nail caught fire when I was hitting the bong.
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
He was wearing running shoes tho. Thats like the cardinal rule. You don't fuck a guy who wears running shoes as regular shoes.
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
Randomize
