I can feel you judging me through the phone.
I didn't join FB to see my only child straddle that boy in all her pictures.
just stole 2 cases of forties from some freshman in the woods by pretending to be a cop. that ten dollar spotlight is really turning a profit
I dont think yelling "Grab your dicks, time for pics!" helped your case either.
you called your neighbor "slutsauce" then passed out on the stairway. not even sure why, but props to you.
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
Are the transvestites working the counter tonight? Last time I was there they gave me love advice.
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
no he just sat there holding the hammer and grinning insanely
we just talked about our morning and what we were doing for the day and he handed me the addies and i took $50 out of my bra in front of a bunch of frat guys. so the mornings going really well
I've only hooked up with engineers this year and it may be the best future financial decision I've ever made
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
