Writing my paper on freud at bar
??
Going up to girls and asking if they were anal explosive or anal retentive as children
Smooth
I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
Does the whole "it was New Years" excuse apply this year?
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
He probably has his cowboy hat on, that's his house hat.
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
I haven't found him passed out in the living room covered in noodles for a while now so I guess he's getting better with the drinking.
and it seems i've caught your masturbating bug. thanks.
I'm super stoned watching the vatican smoke cam. Come over.
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
Randomize
