I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
you ran down to the water at 3am and rolled in the sand and ran around screaming that you were the corn dog monster.
i just went through and liked all 1,239 of her pictures instead of writing my english paper. don't tell her, i want her to be surprised
Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
Can you pinpoint the moment you decided it was acceptable to trade blow jobs for beers or was it a gradual slide?
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
so far, I've observed him try to hit on 3 girls, 1 guy and a bar stool. Humanity is amazing from a sober point of view.
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
Sorry i vommed in a cup next to u w out warning.. Actually im not that sorry cuz i didn't spill a drop LIKE A PRO
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
dude, where did you go? french fries taste like numbers
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