everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
Jordan and I are drunk and barred out at the liquor store sitting in the awesome $70 Corona bench bargaining with the owner for a lower price, all while passing the Belvedere bottle between the two of us. Real life. College has down this.
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
Lead with your genitals is the best advice I can give you.
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
I tried eating pop-rocks while giving him a bj, I honestly think I was more disappointed with the results than he was.
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
when I finally sobered up enough to get out of bed this morning I went to talk to mom and forgot that I had TITS written in big letters on both my hands. I love drinking games.
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