He can't get past my hymen. At least that's what he said it feels like.
yeah. pants. i need to put pants on. i didn't do that last night. big mistake
The lack of respect you have for your penis baffles me. I'd rather rub my ball sack on public toilet seats than stick my dick in some of those girls.
A simple 'no' would have sufficed
I found a wheel chair. there is now a high chance im going to be fired from this job
I came so hard that my back seriously popped like 5 times.
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
Caprisun cuts tequila surprisingly well...
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
location: under the moon. please find me. need ride home.
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
I didn’t spend $100 for a wax to sit here and listen to you FT your brother to complain about how bad the Jets are.
Randomize
