dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
do you have any idea how expensive it is to have the munchies at Disneyland?
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
I feel the need to clarify that I did not show her my vagina.
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
I got pushed into some bald man in the pit and spent the next few minutes with my face against his head. Man I love ecstasy.
hey, being drunk and dumb is my thing. Don't take that away from me.
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
Thanks for reminding me of all the hookups my brain has been trying to suppress...
That's what friends are foooooooor!
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
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