I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
What's the name of that girl you hooked up with? The one that looks like the fire hose sign.
i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
im probably shirtless right now with a bottle of jack watching horton hears a who. this is a judgement free zone.
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
You insisted we put glow sticks on you so that we didn't lose you if you went pee in the dark.
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
I wrote an entire paper in under an hour about The Nightmare Before Christmas. I was also high as shit and pretty sure I dedicated half the page to the animation but still.
I'VE LOST MY DIGNITY, MY PRIDE, AND EVEN MY BOOTY CALL. HAPPY THANKSGIVING.
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
i think i puked but i couldve been a dream and i may have madeout with a 20 something guy infront of my managers...also possible dream.
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