when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
I have now ridden the bus with a ninja, a samurai and Jesus. Who says the bus is for losers.
no seriously he was fingering me like he was really really frantically looking for a song on his iPod.
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
Yes. Amanda is the only option and I want cake so I can sacrifice my vagina.
No shame December is a go.
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
I now have a "weirdest thing a guy ever did in bed" story. Cut my fingernails.
Yeah I'm gonna need you to stop it right there.I know this is supposed to be a safe space but Imma have to exit.
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
