I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
i'd date him for the sole reason that he thanks me after giving him head
You know your in college when you use the receipt from the liquor store as a bookmark
Leaving the dealer's house. He just gave me a sincere hug and said good luck. This cant end well.
I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
He let him chew on his fu man chew. The man has the patience of a saint
Because drinking and showering don't go hand in hand. There that's my PSA of the day.
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
Just fucked my ex's brother. It is clear I dated the wrong one. Is it wrong for me to continue to fuck this one?
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