I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
once i realized i was actively trying to drink the beer i was sweating out of my body i knew it was time to go to bed
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
I just want to make out with him forever
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
How is someone going to pee on the floor two days in a row? Fuck this place.
this vacation is helping with my sexual bucket list so much. threesome, deaf guy, and outdoor sex all accomplished.
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