So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
we made out inside of a kiddie slide for about 20 mins. it was the sexiest, most suffocating experience I've ever had
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
After 13 tally marks I wrote the number 4,000 and made u sign my arm to prove it.
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
I just lectured my ex boyfriend on how to eat a girl out what has my life come to
Randomize
