I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
Is it wrong to beat off to a girl to determine if you like her or not?
Is it too weird if im a sexy tampon for halloween?
4 feet of snow. teaching the cats how to snow swim. throwing them off the porch and seeing what happens.
they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
We're having the conversation about what happened last night, all we can come up with is that we came home, drank two litres of lemonade, I took one of her seizure pills and we fell asleep with sabrina the teenage witch on
if im not pregnant im gonna be so pissed for spending the money from my weed fund on the test
wow, a mother in the making
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
She looks well worn, presumably from a cavalcade of penis.
I can't believe i lost my ID... bringing my birth certificate to the club was a weird experience
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
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