There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
We're attempting to get a tally of how may people puked last night...Please respond with your vomit status.
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
Well I'm sleeping with two of them cause they have nice cars. And the third cause she has a big rack. I'm just really waiting for it all to blow up in my face so I can find a girl I'm actually interested in
i just honestly didn't believe you when you said your brother was a fucking clown. ho shit you weren't kidding.
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
All I need is $1,500, a beach ready body, a bigger dick & this will be the best spring break ever.
Moral of the story - don't craft naked. Your nipples with thank me.
I'm just hitting the tip of the iceberg on accents for this trip...so basically my panties are done for.
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
Randomize
