Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
The doctor put me on 3000 mg of amoxicillin a day. Which, for a sinus infection, seems pretty excessive to me.
Maybe he was just trying to knock out any potential ghonorrhea you might be carrying around.
Ah, my reputation precedes me.
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
Despite fighting the urge to vomit throughout the whole thing, I think that interview went really well!
We listened to Rod Stewart Pandora and slow danced in the shower.
Stop treating my vagina like a slapchop.
I am so proud of him. After eating the rest of our shrooms, he finally registered to vote
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
I smoked a joint in the bathtub at 8 am then went back to bed
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
Randomize
