Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
It has to be really easy to get midgets drunk.
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
Whatever. He's going to tie me up tonight whether he wants to or not.
She wanted to to do it on top of a horse, I can't compete with that
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
Don't you realize there's more to life than sex and pizza rolls?
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
At the bar in my pajamas again
Ummm that is the 3rd time this week and it is Wednesday
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
I don't want to just hook up with random dudes. I've had enough bad sex to know that it's not worth hooking up with strangers
It's not?
You cannot ask her to resend the picture of her genital tattoo to you just so you can show your room mate. it is time to end your relationship with the Captain.
Randomize
