i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
I love that the power of margaritas brought us back together.
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
Speaking of testosterone. I saw a girl with a moustache thicker than one I can grow last night...
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
Actually here it's more "lie around naked in a dark room" weather.
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
We can't do acid Disneyworld.
For some reason she gave me a handjob. It was all very confusing
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
I'm pretty sure she tried to draw a self portrait out of her vomit. Then you tried to help, but passed out in the vomit.
Plan b and 5 hour enegery breakfast of a champion
Randomize
