Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
Fastest blow job ever. Though it was probably a good thing since we were in front of my house.
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
Thats alot of pressure.
Just on your vagina. BTW I'm passing your house.
He walked into the bar, took a deep sniff and said "this place is fertile and ready for my seed" then calmly walked to the service area
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
At one point we were both in the bathroom and i was taking a shit while holding your hair as you puked in the sink. Friendship.
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
Yeah we fucked. I ran into her the next day, I had to pick up the girl scout cookies I ordered from her boyfriends kids.
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
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