i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
Ps if we're still living vicariously through each other, you had sex on a beach last night
On the bright side I still get a $20 referral bonus at the plasma center even though he passed out during donation because he was so high.
Mango bong: no go. Guava bong: sweet flaming buddha it was delicious. I shall teach you the ways of tropical fruit trees.
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
- I'm finally learning to be functional when I'm high. I feel like this is a milestone.
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
Like Napoleon Dynamite?
Exactly like Napoleon Dynamite
But with bacon.
All I know is I woke up in the back seat of my car, with the engine on, and my gps navigated to florida.
Randomize
